Everything I long for...I am back to that again. The first time was in middle school, I remember listening to the radio station 88.7 FM out of Windsor, or Windsor-Detroit if you want the American version. Late at night, around 11:30 or midnight (that was sort of late for eighth grade), I remember a program called "north of the border" or something like that. It was a half hour show of all music from Canada and I fell in love with it right then and there. It only lasted a month or so, which I still to this day do not know why, perhaps they changed ownership, this was around the time that Planet 96.3 FM changed formats and became a bad radio station and later on 102.9 stopped existing and 102.7 still sucked. I was glad high school was around the corner because maybe I knew Jon would become influenced by the burgeoning underground hip hop and indie rock scene which in turn would influence me. This I would ultimately be very happy about. But it had not arrived yet and I was still listening to radio broadcasts to try and find some sort of musical outlet for my expressive youth stature, which at the time was not very expressive, but rather very introverted with occassional bursts of anger or...well I guess just anger, no love, just fright and anger. Fuck you!

I'm digressing, sorry for that. Everything I long for. That was it, that was what put me into some sort of euphoric daze, everytime I heard a song from that album I was struck speechless, it was odd. The feel, his voice, the music encapsulated me. I was forever changed. His hurt, his pain, his longing, I wanted to feel that, his understanding of the situation was so...pure and visceral and despite my not knowing what he was feeling at the time, I wish I could.

The DJ played a block from his album, I remember four songs were played and two of them stuck out as remembrances of the past, I would never forget them. (*pause*)

Ten minutes ago I was on track to bleed. Now its turning into an internal hemorrhage, but that's good enough for me. It is better for everyone else too in my opinion. (*pause*)

I shouldn't go on. But I will leave you with this:

It was not my intention to have you think that I wanted to return to this. To return to this state would be foolish, it is in the past, I have lost it, remembered it, but lost it physically, I have a little more knowledge in my head these days and I hope that it is increasing, or at least the efficiency of my brain cells to retain the knowledge and memories of the past and perhaps learn a few more along the way. No, I cannot return. Now...now, I want to feel.